Trust Yourself

I often wonder when I listen to my clients complain about their relationships, why has it been so easy to stop talking to their sister or brother for something they said or did at Thanksgiving dinner 3 years ago and yet so difficult to do the same with this other person who has hurt them over and over again.
People have the most difficult time letting go of romantic relationships. They have an easier time distancing themselves from blood relatives than from a complete stranger. Let’s face the facts, your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend or wife is not related to you. Really. They’re not your family. They don’t have any blood relation to you. They didn’t grow up with you. They didn’t share your childhood, your dreams and aspirations or your life until recently. Your best friend probably did most of it (listened to you, heard you cried, advise you, cheered you, supported you) until you replaced them for your significant other (not healthy I tell you but that’s another topic). And maybe you didn’t have the perfect family so you cling to your partner.

Nevertheless you think your bond is so strong and unbreakable because you shared some significant experiences with them that now it’s unbearable for you to let go. Yes, human connections are complex. Having shared happy experiences can create a deep connection. I get it.

Sharing time together, creating memories, celebrations, life-experiences and other romantic moments can and does create a solid connection. Having children with someone is a stout union of course. But if you know it isn’t healthy for you or the children why can’t you break away? Especially if you add the negative experiences to the history you shared (violence, cheating, insults, and lack of empathy, insensitive comments, and a myriad of other things that are making you unhappy).

Then answer may seem cliché but oh so spot-on. The reason you cannot let go of a romantic relationship not matter how bad and destructive it can be, it’s only due to lack of self-love.

You really cannot love anyone unless you love yourself first. Family relationships are protected, secured, you know you’ll have them forever but outsiders are different. You can’t let go because who else will love you? Poor little you. You don’t realize you own strength. Listen: This will not break you.

You need to love yourself first. Self-love has to come over any love for another. That’s the only way to break from harmful patterns e.g. the woman whose husband has been cheating for the last 10 years, she had become pregnant two more times after a brief separation and now she cannot move out because of the children. Does she love the husband or even her children? She doesn’t love herself that’s for sure. Or the woman whose husband attempted suicide because she’s having an affair, and she’s pregnant by this other man. Does the husband love her? The answer is No. He doesn’t love himself.

If you learn to love yourself it means you respect yourself not to be mistreated, not be humiliated, and not be unloved. Your life does not depend on this other person loving you. You will be a better person, a more lovable person if you have respect for yourself. How? I can’t!  you might say, so I tell you what I tell my clients Do things for you. Because of you. Enjoy your family and friends again. Remember what you can do on your own. You can and should be your favorite person. Use words wisely, they’re seeds and they can attract something greater. Stop saying you can’t.

Do think and act positive to produce positive things. Trust your ability to build a meaningful life and then you’ll see…,

Decadence

Opulent people can spend 43 million dollars in a wedding and we see it the news as a novelty, as something crazy but nothing more. I saw the news today from this Asian celebrity. Is that even real? Did they plan to spend 43 million dollars to show the most extravagant wedding event ever or did they just get carry away? No budget, no limit. Why people feel the need to go overboard with everything they do when money is involved. I mean is that really necessary when there are millions of starving children in the world. I find it obscene. Decadent. Irrational.  Extremely unjustified. Why can the rich think of others instead of themselves? Why poor people think more about helping others. Is it because they know suffering and they know what is like to need help. They have more empathy and a healthy conscience or am I generalizing. Newly rich people can be arrogant, selfish and want to show off. Is it that simple? I don’t know but it upsets me when I know they will continue to spend millions of dollars in impractical things. Where’s altruism in all this. I couldn’t find any news of these two celebrities helping others but themselves. I guess I have no choice but to accept the facts no matter how unfair they are.

Of course not everyone is like that. I know of plenty generous and well off people who help others and do not go crazy spending their money. I just have a hard time comprehending how all these events can be promoted on social media and people follow and rejoice seeing how money is spent by others. These things should clearly not be celebrated or praised. Has society really lost their mind as a whole or have we become so numb by all the glitter in our world that we don’t even blink when we hear these things anymore, good judgment is gone.

Perhaps I am jealous, envious of not having so much at my fingers. Perhaps I am too much of a social worker and I see the need in everyone around me. Regardless, I feel the media should not promote or even mention these people, maybe that way they will not feel the need to impress anyone. Let’s not contribute to the insanity. Let’s no mention them, let’s not even take their photos, ignore them. Celebrate those who are out there contributing to society, let’s focus on those heroes….really. Even better let’s all do one thing, weekly, monthly or at least annually to help others, not matter how small, that’s worth celebrating and promoting, what are you waiting? go!

Hypocrisies

The problem with today’s society is that most people say things they truly don’t mean. They act as they think they should. They say or do things out of politeness or because it’s expected. Yes, it’s appropriate in order to have civility but when being too phony is too much. I have so many examples I could write a book. The most recent is claiming to care for a cause yet they don’t’ contribute in any way, not financial with a donation neither which is okay, but they won’t offer their time or effort to promote the cause or even help volunteering to organize an event. Or else participate somehow in this because they keep saying it is so important to them. I guess it bothers me when people say they really care about something but nevertheless they don’t move a finger to back it up.

I know I care about different things and causes and I cannot always partake or donate financially with each one but I do my best to promote, educate, and engage others if I feel it is important. And I keep quiet and don’t pretend it is something I want to do or something dear to me when it isn’t. For instance I do care about other important causes such as global warming issues, environmental concerns but I am very sincere when I tell you that I am not passionate about these issues. I am not Leonardo DiCaprio and I don’t have the aspiration to do something about it. That is better than what some folks do.

So it got me thinking, why people tell you what they think you want to hear? Why pretend? A simple answer is that it is much easier and less awkward to say yes than to admit their true feelings. Right?

Somehow that got me thinking about sincerity in general. Is a disingenuous answer healthier than telling the real response so you don’t hurt people’s feelings, so you keep your friends, so you appear likeable, so you are invited again, and so and so on. When is it okay to be yourself? I know a few hypocrites and I can’t make myself like them although they are always so pleasant and say yes this and yes that, they end up not following through and well they’re not real. They’re superficial. Another one of my peeves.  And I am not talking about being so sincere that you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings by telling them how much you don’t like their hairdo, or how much fatter they gotten lately. But I am talking about those people who actually praise and applaud someone with lies, then behind their back may even share their true thoughts “oh how ugly is that new hair color” when a minute ago they told the person they loved it. Loved it? Are you kidding me? You loved it and you told her and now you make faces and say the opposite. Too much for me.

Someone might argue that they’re not hypocrites but they are people fearful of being disliked, or too polite to actually share their real thoughts. Someone might also argue that these people tend to be popular and although artificial or phony for some, they do know how to manage uncomfortable situations. They’re good politicians if you will. Then the problem is the rest of us who aren’t politicians. How do we cope with them? Accept who they are and recognize that this is their way of responding and it seems to work for them. Accepting others as they are is not necessarily easy but it can bring you peace of mind and it can reduce your irritability. As for myself, well I can accept people are different and that’s their approach but I decided I will not have people like that in my life. Because it isn’t healthy for me. I cannot be superficial, I cannot be false. And if they talk about others, they do talk about me too. And that’s that.  I am making the decision for me and not for them. This is better….ah…I am not longer disappointed.